It's been a few months. Facebook and lack of time got in the way.
I find myself posting to justify for myself reasons why I continue to work on the Yasmin site. Because lately, I have been fed up of not getting some sort of official endorsement - from one of the modeling agencies, from Yasmin herself, or from Amber. I feel that what I do is so above the ordinary "fan site," but aside from the fans, no one really acknowledges this. And as a result, I feel that I am not given the respect that I so rightly deserve. I am more than a nobody, and I want people who are somebodies to say so.
It comes to the point that I have to ask myself: why continue if I don't get that endorsement? Because by this point, more than 10 years on, I doubt I ever will. I get tired of begging for attention from people with power, and I'm sure they're tired of me, as well. I really have to remind myself of these things, because at times when I am fixated on getting public acknowledgement (like now), I lose sight of why I created it in the first place, and why I continue to work on it so many years later.
Here is why...
1) I like web design, finding out how to do new things, and creating something that's visually impactful.
2) I'm in a really good position to create this site, cause I happen to have a massive collection of Yasmin's print work and know a lot about her career.
3) I'm kind of obsessive about information, which on some occasions is a hindrance but works really well here.
4) I like fashion and the visual arts.
5) I like scanning fashion pictures.
6) I can express myself pretty well.
7) To have created something that massive kind of impresses me.
8) Something about how beautiful her life seems inspires me to create.
I'm sure there is more, but I don't want to be working on this all day.
I've just joined Facebook a few days ago and am getting lots of Friend requests from people I went to high school with. Now, I was under the impression that I had mostly completely cut ties with that place - that I had made so many mistakes with so many people that I just had to let it go free and not think back. I may have liked them, I said to myself, but I was certain that they never really liked me because there was so much about me not to like. Several people whom I thought would not want to see my face ever again - including the guy I was really into who has the IMdB profile - are interested in making those reconnections. Which for me goes against most everything I'd been convinced of for years. So it's a bit shocking.
I just had a chat w/the attractive guy who sat next to me in Shakespeare class during senior year, who seemed real eager to find out what was going on w/me. Again, bizarre. I had purposely avoided him at the reunion cause I was certain that he'd thought I was a bit of a hanger-on back then.
Also, I find myself inclined to think back to my time in HS, and it makes me quite melancholy. All those missed opportunities. It's a heavy weight. Maybe I'll have to come to terms with the idea that the image I've been building up of myself as an underdog loser might be wrong. It's not as easy to do as you might think - images can be very powerful, especially when you've wrapped them so intricately around your self-concept.
I've been rather happy, you know, avoiding making too many connections to others. Intentionally or not. Then I don't have to ponder my immense sense of vulnerability amongst people who I don't really trust, and especially around those whom I'd been (perhaps incorrectly) convinced were pretending to be my friends.
I've spent many years improving myself, not looking back, and disconnecting myself from the "me" of my teens and early 20s. I almost feel like I'm being asked to go back. It makes me uncomfortable.
for me to obsess over my hair. I have an appointment with my *famous* stylist-slash-colorist on Thursday after work. I've created some ideas with makeover software. Anyone care to give me some feedback on color and/or cut, since I have to do both?http://s20.photobucket.com/albums/b250/automne69/13jan09/?albumview=grid
I'm thinking I should get some more layers around the face since it's pretty much all one length right now (with a couple exceptions) and doesn't have much shape. Maybe bangs, but if you don't like them, it takes an eternity to grow out. As for color, I'm always a bit obsessed with going lighter rather than darker, simply because I can and I've been dark-dark all my life.
Here are the last photos I took of myself after a visit to the salon. The color is pretty much the same, but since they were taken in October and I've not had it cut since then, it's grown some:http://s20.photobucket.com/albums/b250/automne69/8oct08/
I'd love to know what other people would think look good on me. :-)
Today is the first day of the quarter. As I have mentioned, I am teaching one classroom class this quarter, which I have not done for some time. I wasn't all that anxious about it, but for some reason, I am today. Overthinking, probably - overassociating in my mind, thinking of what could go wrong, and what it "means" to be teaching in classroom as opposed to I.I. (Just the structuredness of it all makes me a bit uneasy, in comparison with the more free-flow atmosphere of I.I. Structure and "rules" can tend to make me feel closed in and constricted.) I'd rather have some other kind of work requirement before this class, to ease me back into university life... having nearly a month off can cause a person to relax and release some of that necessary work tension. Cause if I go in totally cool and easygoing, I don't think I'd create the proper atmosphere for day 1. No one respects the hippie instructors, unless they also have a whip.
Got to go.
It's the last day of 2008, and I have just received my teaching/working schedule for 2008. Cue the anxiety:
M teaching 12:30-1:48, (probably office hours 2-3), desk 3-5:30
T I.I. teaching 1-8
W teaching 12:30-1:48, (probably office hours 2-3), desk 3-4, I.I. teaching 4-8
Th desk 11-5:30
F I.I. teaching 9-11, teaching 12:30-1:48, (probably office hours 2-3), desk 3-5:30
S I.I. desk 10-5:30
I'm never terribly keen on change (though, at the same time, I invite it, cause I can't stand doing the same thing for more than a few months), so just adjusting to the idea of this schedule is a little overwhelming to me.
I will be teaching in the classroom, which I've not done for some time, adding to the anxiety. (I've known about that for over a month, though.) Of all the levels that I could teach, this is the one that I would choose. Plus, I was kind of worn out at the end of autumn from being at Individualized Instruction so much. I'll still be there quite a bit, plus at the desk, but less. And I hear that classroom teaching pays more.
Also, I only really have to wake up early one day of the week, which is rather relieving. In the autumn, I opened the I.I. center (either teaching or desk) 4 out of 5 weekdays and closed it 3 out of 5 days. So the majority of the time, I was there from open (8:30 a.m. for the desk and 9 a.m. for teaching) till close at 8 p.m. Plus I taught on Saturday, which I'm glad I won't be doing. Deadlines often fall on Saturday.
Christmas has been good, but not great. Sickness and shortness of life seems to hang in the air, as my father shows increasing signs of Parkinsons and my mother occasionally has anxiety attacks when she can't breathe. Adding to this, my uncle died early on Christmas Day - I did not really know him that well, and I have lived out of town for years. The memorial service was on Monday. It was a lovely service, but just a reminder that most my parents' generation has passed.
My nieces have been here quite a bit. They are aged (almost) 5 and (almost) 7 (as of January and February). They're sick, so I'm trying not to get too close, but the youngest in particular can be quite physical. Right now they and I are watching their mom's videos of them that I transferred to DVD, where they are running around their living room playing.
Got to keep an eye on them, so I'll stop typing.
Have you ever been so concerned with what other people thought of you that it made you hate yourself? (Of course not. You're normal.) Not the email thing referenced in my previous entry, though it surely prompted it.
I'm stuck in this mental pit where I think everyone is better than me, and if I want them to be good to me, I have to do extra, prove myself. Or completely avoid them, cause I don't deserve them. Which just makes me feel worse, in my self-built prison of isolation.
It's like I want to make this grand pity statement to get attention so that people I love will reassure me that they love me. And then I won't have to worry. Until I doubt again, anyway.
What the fuck happened to me years ago to make me like this?
I wonder if I feed off of it, that in a sick way I find it personally rewarding to be never good enough to earn what I desire, be it respect, love, or... I'm out of words.
First, let's get this out of the way: Columbus show, very good. Simon very phlegmmy. John very hot.
Here is my frustration: about a month ago, I finally got up the nerve to email Yasmin with the email I got late last year from the girl who sold them their chihuahua. Pretty businesslike: that I'd redesigned the site, made it look really professional, it had passed its 10th year in existence, and I wanted to know what she thought of it. I don't wanna be her best friend or anything like that. Then I found out that the same time I sent it, she happened to be in Dubai for the opening of Atlantis. So I was quite upset, thinking it would get lost. Next time I knew she was back in London (for the BFAs), I sent it again, with a receipt that would be returned to me when it was opened. No response, no receipt returned.
She wasn't in Columbus, even though I kept my eyes peeled. Found out on the internet that she showed up in Montreal for the show last night, though. (And that Simon spoke in French, which I would have loved to hear him attempt.) So close. Damn.
I don't think she's ever gonna respond to my email, and I don't know what else to do. Why is it so important to me? For my ego, first off. To make me feel important and valued. Mostly, it's because I've been working on this site, promoting her career essentially, for over 10 years, and I have the odd feeling that I'm regarded as a nuisance if not by her, then by her agency. Of course, I think everyone believes that about me, even close friends. I want someone with sway to tell me that what I'm doing is good. Great, even. (I'm so demanding.) Sometimes, I feel like it's just a massive waste of time, because I'm not being recognized by the one person whom I'm representing, to some extent, and I've thought of closing it on many occasions over the years for that reason. Yes, she wrote to me over three years ago in a letter, but that was three years ago, and I've got the feeling from interviews that the site really doesn't present her in the kind of way she would choose for herself.
I have had a couple reasons to believe it had been received by IP addresses of visitors who have browsed the site. When she was in Dubai, I did indeed have a visitor from Dubai. True, someone else from there could have checked it out, but I'd think that they're too busy there swimming in their jewels and polishing their Rolls-Royces. A couple weeks ago, I had a visitor from House of Fraser corporate in London, a company for which she has been the "face" throughout the year.
Then, I have wondered something else based on the fact that the email address doesn't have the name "yasmin" in it at all but is "lebon@somethingI'mnotrevealingontheinte
rnet.com." I asked myself if perhaps it's the account of not the missus but the mister. And then I got rather disappointed, lol. There have been visitors from places that Duran has played on or around the days they've been there, but this could mean nothing. It could be fans in town for the show. When they were in Columbus, someone from Columbus visited about an hour and a half after the show ended, which is the first time I've ever seen someone from here visit the site besides myself. (I haven't checked the stats that religiously to know that for a fact, though.) Today, I've seen at least one person from the Montreal area visiting. Again, it's probably nothing... but I'm still curious.
If you've got through all this way, a cookie for you, and a question: what on earth do I do next? I can't force
her to write to me, and I'm not exactly going to contact her again, certainly not this soon. Yes, I can sit on my hands and wait, but I'm not terribly good at that.
I have this underlying fear about acting in an obsessive manner, and it scares me, cause I don't want to go there. When I can't have something I want, it makes me want it all the more, in a graspy, self-negating manner.
Advice: share it if you got it.
I am wired for the Duran show tomorrow. I wonder if they're in town right now. I doubt it, though. If I had a choice between Biloxi (where today's high is 58) and Columbus (a toasty 24), I'd pick Biloxi. I think I know the hotel that the band tends to choose, as they were there in 2005, but I don't want to hunt them down. That's lame. Many folks I know would probably tell me just to go for it, but I don't want to risk bugging them when they're off-duty and potentially scarring myself for life if they snub me.
I am a little anxious about my schedule tomorrow, as my sister is coming in town for the show and I'm not sure when she's arriving or where we're meeting. Also, I had forgotten that after my 8:30-10 shift tomorrow morning (I don't usually work it, but I'm trading hours with someone, which includes working today till 4 pm), I have to do the first hour and a half of my regular shift from 3-4:30 before my replacement comes in. Since I don't know when my sister is coming, that does raise some stresses in my mind. Also, I had kind of been hoping I'd be able to catch a few winks before the show. Well, screw that! I'd love to talk someone else into covering it for me, but then I'd have to work for him.
ETA 1:46 pm: Sweeet! I've got someone working those hours for me tomorrow. Perhaps I will check out the hotels downtown, since I've heard of them being receptive to fans during recent dates.
December 4th, 2008
The Dr. has given Nick the "all clear" to fly tomorrow, so the show in Houston is on! Thanks to everyone for their patience and well wishes, it was very much appreciated.
It's weird... I don't know what to do with this right now. Cause I'd kind of convinced myself that it was already off. Now I have to clean, cause my anal-retentive sister is coming. Eurggggh.
When, pray tell, will I find the time?
I went back home during my break yesterday, layed in bed for a little over an hour, and felt much better. Then I got a full night of sleep last night, so I'm working my way back. I still think I might have some kind of bug.
I'm starting to get very very sad that the Duran show will in all likelihood be cancelled next week. Really, I expected to check the DD fansite this morning to see an announcement that all remaining dates had been cancelled. And even if they do reschedule it, which they very likely will not, chances are not good that I'll be able to go see them again. And I'm doing all this extra work just to open that slot in my schedule Monday night, and all, as it will seem, for nothing. :-(
I don't know. I seem to have this feeling lately that I am getting screwed over on life in general and am probably taking this (and a few other things) a bit too personally.